Who AM I?

[Malik_Desert_Dancer]

Hey! It's been a hell of a long time since I've talked to you freaks *grins with cold heartless eyes* I joined your board and read through your posts and was extremely pissed with what I saw. There is only one thing I can say and it cuts me deep to say this, What the f**k is your problem. You dropped J***a from your friends? Six years of friendship and even Kila is yelling at her. That's not right in anyones book. I thought i knew you guys. I thought you were compassionate and forgiving but what I've seen since I moved nothing but dissaray and cold unforgiving moods. I feel ashamed to even think as you as friends. The people up here are more forgiving and they are a bunch of redneck freaks. I've talked to J***a and Saku about this and am appalled at what I've heard, both sides of the story. This is truly a sad f**king day when friends abandon each other over a break up. It's true jealousy that shines through and rears its ugly green head and has the audacity to destroy such a strong bond of friendship. But As I've heard this friendship was in complete turmoil to begin with. This all started after I left or so I would like to think. If i have been forgotten about then f**k I don't need to be here and feel free to block because it will show were your loyalties lie, but I have been nothing but honest here and deserve the same. As well I'd like to add in my two cents and say that J***a isn't the type of girl to wear her feelings on her bloody sleeve. She isn't one to show affection freely within the public eye. But she has always been honest when it came to her feelings with her close friends...At least she has always been honest with me. ALthough it is obvious that you all don't think like I do. So I will end this with one of my favorite quotes. “You cut up a thing that's alive and beautiful to find out how it's alive and why it's beautiful, and before you know it, it's neither of those things, and you're standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it.”
~B~

[Kitsune]

Hey,

It has been a long time. Listen, a lot has happened and I am sure you haven't heard the whole story. Saku also has not been told the whole story, nor do I personally believe everyone should. I am sorry that you are taking it so hard but what she did, was wrong. She says we shouldn't go by what we hear. That's not true. I don't base what I feel off of what anyone says. I have forgiven her many times after we have had arguments and even if what people have been different then her words. This has caused everyone to have high emotions and we are done with all this stress. It was not just a simple little "break up". Just because of your response will not make us go back to her. We have no reason to. I am DONE being hurt by her and you don't know what has happened these last 4-5 years. So please, please don't bring yourself into this mess. I have no grudge against you. My memory of you is smiles, please don't change that. Some of my memories of Spyke were once smiles but for a while those smiles changed. I can't handle changing into what I was. The way I was beginning to act because of her, was wrong. My friend told me point blank that I was cold and I can't recall when. I took a good look at myself and saw the change. What I saw in Spyke... when I think of Spyke all I feel now is my blood boiling. I am done looking back at it. Please, if you want to talk about it talk to her. Listen to her side where there is only one side and nothing more. If one of the others wish to talk then you may talk with them about it WITH THEIR PERMISSION. I am sorry girl.

~Kit

[Malik_Desert_Dancer]

Please don't treat me like i don't understand what has happened I know full well what the feeling of what change can do. It's not right that you feel this way towards someone that made you so happy and brought forth the words "I love you" from your lips. It is a sad sad day when I see two of my closest and dearest friends seek the desturction of one another. It is also a tragedy to see a love die. Change happens my dear sweet one. Believe me change happens and if you aren't one to embrace change for what it is, then I pity you. I don't want your opinion of me to change. I have gone through a multitude of changes since you have seen me in these last 6 years and you probably would exile me from your group as you ahve done J***a. It saddens my heart to think that. I won't press the matter any further for lack of caring about this little tiff. ALthough you all take it to heart that she has wronged you, in fact your eyes are too clouded by misjudgement to see what has happened. So I'll let y ou off again with a quote directly from me "At the end of your days you will be tried in front of what ever god you called your own and you hope standing there beside you are your friends when you look around you and see no one it is no ones fault but your own. With a life a deceit and prejudice for those who have wronged and been wronged You are left standing alone, and you will be cast to your own sort of self damnation"
~B~

[Raikou-Neko]

*scratches her head* Well, I had to edit your post a bit...internet safety calls for not using real names. I've been doing this to everyone, so please take no offense, B.


Sakura:
I can't get to a computer, but you don't really know what's happened. I LOVE you to death, but you weren't at AUSA (neither was I, to be honest, but I've heard the accounts of what's happened). You weren't at Otakon either so...I dunno. Everyone has pretty much had it with her patterns and her crap.


Me:
Well....I know what I've seen and I sure as hell haven't seen the worst of it. You see...I've been informed from multiple people that Spyke would talk about us behind our backs. She'd tell other individuals that we'd force her to sleep on the floor or ignore her. This wasn't the case at all! She'd volunteer to sleep on the floor, or she'd just crash there. And I know I wouldn't ignore her. I'd give her attention and try to talk with her. She just never seemed very interested in talking to ME. I found out recently that she had told both Kila and Kit that she hated me. And I have no clue as to why. I was nice to her...It just doesn't make any sense to me.

She told others, and even Kila, that we erased her from our most recent skit. This was NOT the case. She convinced us to do a skit in the first place, when it was agreed that it was way too little time. Kila put a lot of time and effort into writing up a script, and then Spyke tells us that she's swamped with senior stuff. I believe she is swamped, don't get me wrong! But we only wanted to finish what had already been started and to use the effort already put into it. To do Kila's work justice. And then she goes and tells us that we erased her...I just don't understand that.

Spyke would spin webs of lies. And she wasn't even all that secretive about it. She'd tell someone one thing, and another person something totally different, something that would be extremely painful to her friends were they to know! Why would a friend do that? Unless, of course, everyone is lying about what she's said to everyone else. I DON'T hate people. I try my best to forgive them whenever possible. I'd even forgive her NOW. But she doesn't want my forgiveness. According to people who know her better than I do...she hates me. She wants the forgiveness of people she has hurt BEYOND the point of it. And this is KILA and KIT we're talking about. People who ARE compassionate.

Kila let me read a txting conversation that she recorded. This hurt me beyond...anything. I read it...and read it again. Spyke spoke of those she was missing, those she would miss in her "banishing". She pleaded that she only wanted KILA'S forgiveness. I was not one of the missed. My BOYFRIEND, whom Spyke only knows through me, when I have invited him to come with me to our get-togethers (he comes to them whenever now), she said she had enjoyed his company. I don't mind this....not at all. But I wasn't mentioned....and I dunno....it made me want to cry, reading HER words. That she miss my boyfriend, whom she's only known for a year and a half, and not me, whom she's known since 1st grade. One might think it was forged...but I don't believe so. Spyke has a very unique style. All of us were just trying to figure WHAT was going on. Why some of us held hostilities toward our friends...Spyke even tried to TURN Kila against me. Am I so horrible a person that I deserve to have people I am friends with turned against me...? I'm nice to everyone, even when they're kinda mean to me...

I'll post the conversations below. I think you should read them.

[Malik_Desert_Dancer]

Don't edit my name please I'm already all over the internet it doesn't bother me to have strange men call my house looking for me. ^-^

[Raikou-Neko]

I'll censor what I will, because I believe people should abide by internet safety...I'd really rather you not get hurt, B....

---Edit---
*sighs* I was informed not to post the convos. I believed YOU should read them, and if Spyke read them as well, so be it. But the convos are not mine to post, and therefore I'll do as I'm told.

[Raikou-Neko]

Kila sent this to me. And so I post it under her permission. "Me" refers to Kila. All that I've edited are names.




Spyke: Do you hate me now too?

Me: I do not hate you, I refuse to lower myself before such a standard. Ask anyone and I will hold fast to those words.

Spyke: Then dislike? Or is it anger? Perhaps I'm burdensome or a nuisance. If so I apologize for having wasted your time. I was under the impression that it was you I could trust unconditionally.

Me: Pull no words against me. I, too, gave you my unconditional trust. The odds are stacked haphazardly against you in my book. I am a kind soul and can not hate or hold any form of anger against someone for too long but I will not forget.

Spyke: I have no malintent. I've never doubted you. Not after our first year of meeting. How can the odds be stacked against me? I don't know of anything that I've done. And no one will tell me where I erred.

Me: Yeah, I called on my good thoughts of you so many times in an attempt to wipe away what I've been told. I am not beating around the bush anymore, it's just giving me a headache. I am hurt to see what WE really are to you. Monsters, cruel jackasses, all we wanted was to have fun and we invited you in. I do not like people who victimize themselves by turning around words.

Spyke: I don't understand. I have never sought to be a victim. It is that which I have fought most vigorously.

Me: If you don't understand that then maybe you are sill confused about he situation for a reason.

Spyke: So cold...it's shocking. I am asking for your help. Because no matter how much I want to I can't do everything alone. I lack sympathy. I cannot see myself as you do without being shown. I'm wounded that you would be so disgusted by something I'm said to have done.

Me: I won't double back on my unamusement. If you simply MUST be shown then I'll be the one to do it because you know that it comes from a kind but strong mind. You. Are. A. Liar. Through and through. But in some places that's okay (I lie to my parents and teachers all the time) but not here. Not now. WE are not stupid. WE trusted you, did we offer to let you sleep on the bed? Did you refuse? Such small petty thing for me to pick out 'eh? No. You have torn us down in our moments of kindness and made yourself the victim. I am disgusted when my kindness is morphed into malice! Or when my trust is pulled in circles so that I am chasing my own tail! You don't know what you've done? Think. If you're so smart.

Spyke: I have never remotely attempted to hide that I am a liar. But you were the only one that I have never lied to. Because I knew that while it hurts me to lose their company it actually pains me to have you angry let alone avoiding me. And never have I assumed that you were stupid. As far as the bed I don't know where that came from. I volunteered. As I always do.

Me: *sighs and rubs temples* I am wronged by what you tell others. It is just as painful to hear that you "were talking about us behind our backs" not to mention you spared your share of apprehensive actions and looks to me. I opened my hear to you when no one else would come near you and I do not appreciate what you tell others in return.

Spyke: Haha. Who doesn't talk about their friends? I said nothing of you. And those who would believe something from such a self interested and unreliable source as Nyx know too little of me to begin with. I said little to her and nothing that was more than a passing thought. If it was her words in a moment of fury that led to this mess I can do little more than offer a choked smile and a sorrow filled grin.

Me: Me, strange, she referred to you as her best friend not too long ago. Boasting that you had told her everything and you certainly ignored me when I was talking to you. Of course you struck up a conversation with her moments later. So I am to believe that you lied to her and only her about hings that we endured the past con? That I am a mere fool for taking into account the words of others? No, no, I will not apply that last thought. Rather, that I should turn on their words for yours?

Spyke: Not at all Kila. I would never suggest that. I told you from the beginning that I use people and that you were better off without me. Consider that I may have been her best friend but she was never mine. I can't trust her as I trust Marik or you for she lets anger rule her. Marik has devoted himself to me foolishly. As I devote myself to you. Whether you choose to forsake me or not. Whether you tell every secret and weakness I have to the world I would still adore you.

Me: I can't believe such daring words when I have listened to so many re-tellings of what you've said otherwise. Perhaps you begin all of your relationships with smooth words and end them with not so much as a glance in the victim's direction. Who am I to trust again so quickly? Were it not for what others have said and their proof following it I naturally would have been eager to forget and forgive.

Spyke: My words remain unchanged. My natural eloquence be damned if it is to play the deciding factor in your judgment. But know I will never turn you away. I consider those words as binding a contract as any not matter how little weight they hold for you. I suppose now is s good a time as any to let you know that my mother has forbidden me from ever attending a con with Nyx or DBIO again. And I intend on having a birthday party in November. You are invited should you decide you can bare to endure my company.

Me: I won't jump to those words, but remember what I've said. It is the truth and does not apply to me alone. I will give the other information a lot of thought. As far as cons go I can not say that I am particularly sad to hear that. You did not seem to work well with either group.

Spyke: You are correct. I don't take well to being ignored if I was especially asked to come along. I withdraw. The only con I have completely [enjoyed] was the first in 2005. But regardless I felt you out to be informed.

Kila: Yeah, I'm....sorry that it came to this. I feel like things may have worked out better were it not for Nyx's influence. But, se la vi, that's live. It was bound to happen.

Spyke: I had always imagined it would. Haha. Guess every argument we have ever had about everyone tiring of me and leaving was resolved. I was right. The one time I wished I wasn't. *sighs* I will endure it as I've certainly earned the discomfort . Simply not for the reasons you all think. Thank you for talking to me. I shan't bother any of you again except for party information for you and Kit. I love you Kila. Always.

Me: >Accidentally deleted it when I was clearing out my messages. It was something along the line of me regretting the way that things were turning out.<

Spyke: I'm sorry. But I do mean it. Though it was never my intention to cause you strife. I apologize for being opinionated, callous, cruel, and any manner of despicable traits I am known to possess. I am sorry for being wicked and manipulative though never with you. I am sorry for being a burden and open with you as I never should have been. and for being selfish enough to contact you rather than endure in silence as I should have. I bet that you forgive my pridefulness and lack of sympathy. And I will refrain from contacting you again after November and will force you further in the middle. I will always respond to you should you need me. And I won't express my love your you again. *watery grin* Soon it will be as if I never existed.

Me: *frowns* Don't pull that over on me. I will not deny what has come to pass, and I will NOT deny my words said before, saying that I do not wish you had withheld yourself. I live for DBIO, which you were a part of. Reacting in such a childish way instead of just going out, admitting to your lies (unless you do not believe that they were told), and showing remorse. I'll tell you what we see Someone who doesn't care and love to make people favor them.

Spyke: See as you may. Those were true apologies every one. And they were made to you. I don't care what they think. Who they favor or despise. It doesn't matter to me. I live for myself and without regrets. There were no lies at AUSA08. I can bare their enmity happily though it angers me that it was earned because of something I did not do. I had already told you I intended to break with DBIO. It is you I care about. Not them. I will keep my distance from them. Easily. Though I enjoyed Sora's company. And Kit's when she did not behave like a child. Saku I need not avoid. And I wish more than anything that it did not need to be so with you. Yet it does if that is what you say is true. If only for your own happiness.

Me: My happiness invokes knowing for certain what others say when I am not around. I simply can not know that about you. Perhaps in your mind it is the truth, but to me there are simply too many holes. Too many stories. I can not open myself to you again so soon. I just can't. You may speak when you see me and I won't ignore you, but in the greater scheme of everything I am not "friends" with you. We're "acquaintances". No matter what the truth, or the lie my trust is broken. If it really meant so much to you then the road to rebuilding it is long and uncertain. That's my choice and no matter how it pains me I am sticking to it.

[Malik_Desert_Dancer]

The truth is hun, that it kills me to think that Spyke would do anything like this. This didn't happen when i was down there. This didn't happen for like the first two years after I left it happened after Kit and her got together. I mean it's not fair to just exile someone. And you can't judge a person by a text msg, they are easy to forge and J isn't that hard to forge after. >.> I could do it. I live by my morals as a follower of the Shinto religion. (not a strict follower mind you) I don't believe you should kick someone out because of what you have been told. Has J ever told you to your face she hated you? It's easy for someone to tell you that your close friend hates you when they themselves are angry at that person. Not that I'm saying Kit would do that, but it is possible to try to get every one to follow your opinion when something is going against you. Spyke spent her 16 birthday alone...is that right? did any of you spend your birthday in depression because you were being ostracised from your friends because they all thought you were two faced. I have a fact, every single girl in this world has a two faced side to them. Everygirl has spoken ill about one of there close friends in a fit of rage or depression. It just happens. It's not a true thing that is said it's just something that comes out made to hurt someone. I just feel that this isn't right especially for Ally-chan...to do this...
~B~

[Raikou-Neko]

*ponders* I HAVE thought about this. Don't get me wrong. And your words appeal greatly to me...but Spyke and I were never close. I brought the subject up when I extended my hand to her and tried to explain why everyone was so upset (she never mentioned that though, did she...?). I won't pretend to know her exact warning, but it was something along the lines of "I disagree with your points a lot, but I don't hate you." That very much may be true. She may not hate me. The problem is...I don't know what to believe. At all. I want to believe what all the evidence is pointing at...I truly do. I don't KNOW Spyke hates me, I don't KNOW Kila didn't forge that. I don't KNOW the events I've been told of haven't happened. I can only trust in what my understanding is.

While I don't know all that...I DO know that Spyke did try and pull the wool over our eyes. She rejoined the boards after being banned and told me through e-mail that she attempted to join the boards. I have the record on my computer, and just referenced it (I use an computer memory e-mail cilent, so I never delete e-mails). Murdermesweet was the newest person to register at the date of 10-13-08. Very soon after AUSA. That Sunday, I do believe. Anyway, later that account was verified and used. I traced the IP to Massachusetts, but it isn't hard to use a IP proxy. The person using the account, which Spyke had created, claimed to be from France. And I guess you know the rest...

[Kitsune]

So you believe that whole thing is a lie? Do you dare call Kila AND me a liar. Oh hell no. I am sorry but maybe when I was with Spyke, hell, I would lie a lot. But I am done with that. If you DARE think that the whole thing was forged, ask her yourself. We have even more messages from her like the one above. If you want them, ask. And don't you dare call me a liar about it.

[Malik_Desert_Dancer]

Yes I read that post. Thought it was quite harsh of Kit to write such a thing and looked on in shame as she was pounce upon like hungry jackles at a carcass..I don't understand what would make her do this and I'm not saying it's all her fault. J has always been kind to me and I would never second guess her. I guess it's just because we've always been close. I've heard some disturbing things of Kit, like her telling Spyke to just forget about me. I'm just a memory now. and that stung like a whip. I will never allow myself to become a memory. It isn't fair. I worked I disagree off down in MD to have such great friends as you guess and I will fight like hell to keep you guys as such. A memory I disagree. I'm coming down either this summer or next and I'm going to make you all wish I was a memory *devious smirk* But back to J , you don't know what to believe because nothing is concrete you have no eveidence proving anythiing
~B~

[Malik_Desert_Dancer]

I never said you were a liar. I wrote that they could have been forged but why would I call you a liar? Am I not your friend? You misinterprit my words hun.

[Raikou-Neko]

*sighs* The best way to solve this, I think, is to have a full confrontation. And not just Spyke, Kit and Kila. Throw Doutei (you don't know her), Nyx, Sakura...anyone who has been directly involved. Sora has told me he refuses to get involved, and I respect his choice.

---Edit---
He says that if a middle man is needed, he'll do it only cause he wants all this crap done with. He isn't for one side or the other.

[Malik_Desert_Dancer]

I believe you are right, that would be a wise decision. If you all were to talk to one another you could work out what has been said and come to a conclusion. I know this is none of my buisness since I am but a distant memory and I should keep my nose out this but It hurts to see this happen between people I care about.. you know?
~B~

[Raikou-Neko]

You AREN'T a memory. I still remember...did you ever get your books back? Spyke said she'd mail them back after I lent them to her...